Disappointment and Bottling Up Emotions

Have you ever experienced guilt from saying no? This is the story of my life. I don't know how to say no to people. I can be running on pure caffeine and no sleep yet, I will say yes to help, just so I don't see or hear anyone's disappointment. I guess I can say no, to parents, but that is about it.

Another one of my biggest faults is not being able to express myself. I'm not a person who likes to blame others for my misfortune or trying times. When something happens I am the type of person who looks the other way, bites my lip, and has an internal warfare, even though it might not be my fault. 

WHY???? Why do I do that to myself?

People are going to hurt you, tear you down, disagree with you, they may be disappointed you and may even hate you but why do I take that out on myself? Why should I even care about what others think about me? Can their negativity really help me in the long run? Probably not.

Advice:

1. Find an out (physical exercise)

2. Talk about it (coffee date with your best friend)

3. Write it out on paper (then just toss your problems in the trash) 

4. Give yourself a me day (retail therapy? lol)

Advice from TheHealthSite.com states we need to find place to let go of all these negative emotions. They suggest crying, a punching bag, and even screaming into pillow.

I can tell you from previous experience all of the above helps. I can bottle up emotions for weeks and when I snap it's not pretty. Those who know me best know when I snap it is a bad side of me. I have been blessed by so many wonderful things and people and yet I still let the little things bother me.
New goal for life: Let go of the little things that do nothing but harm you.

If you would like to read more from thehealthsite.com you can find the link by clicking on here.

February Fitness

Let's start from the beginning. When I was growing up I never had a ton of limits on food. Food was accessible and when I was hungry I could find something easily. We always had big Sunday lunches at my grandparents house. There was a smorgasbord every Sunday. These meals could include fried chicken, green beans, salads, corn, pickles, and lots of mashed potatoes and gravy. There was always lot of food and no one was to get up until they had all they could want. Pop was and still is an addiction. Especially regular Coke (yummy). 

To continue with the story, there was never a time where I went hungry. In elementary school, I was heavy but I didn't realize it. I thought I looked like all my friends. There was a time on the swings where my "friends" made fun of me complaining that they couldn't push me. So, I when home and ate. Because food was my friend, it didn't judge me or talk back at me. 

My family saw me become bigger and bigger. There were times that my parents tried to tell me to slow down. I didn't believe them. I had brain washed myself so much that I was skinny and beautiful. If I was so skinny and beautiful why could I never get a date to prom or homecoming? I thought there was something wrong with me. It couldn't be my physical appearance because you know I looked perfect. So, I thought it was in my head. I must not be smart enough so that's why I couldn't get a date. By the time I realized this, I was a senior in high school and I didn't need a date. I had my best friends to go with.

This was probably one of my heaviest pictures

Graduation and college came I met new people. One of these new people asked me to go for coffee. I happily took his offer. I was excited because I thought it was a date! Well, it was and was not. We had a good time and a couple days later he texted me to see if I wanted to go for a walk. Of course I wanted to go! It was a cute boy and more time to talk. So, we went walking on a trail by my house. We started going on many walks during the week. I think we walked somewhere between 15 miles every week. One day, I told him that I have always wanted to run a 5k. He said, "Ok, we start Monday." I gave him the "What did you just say" look. But I agreed to it.

So Monday came and I was determined to show him I meant business. I wanted to show him running is not that hard. We stretched and we started running. About 10 steps in, I stopped. I thought this was hard work. He reminded me about all those people in my life that didn't think I could ever run a 5k. He also reminded me of some of my past. Then I started yelling at him. How dare he tell me those awful things. I have the willpower to do whatever I want to do. (I mean have you met me? I am a strong willed girl) He had no reason to tell me any of that. That night he called me and said he would no longer be able to run with me because he didn't want me to yell at him. We went for long walks and talked quite a bit, but it wasn't long after he got a girlfriend and she didn't like us to hangout. So, I haven't talked to him since.

Why did I start this whole running thing in the first place? Why did I think it was a good idea to get fit? Well, to be honest I really don't know. Maybe it was out of spite of him being another disappointment to me. I honestly don't know. What I do know is that I have never felt this good about myself. I have never put so much effort into one thing before. You can see results. (A whole 40lbs of results) Running has become my stress reliever. When I become stressed in school or life, a good run with my music, out on a trail calms me down really quickly.

I am going to continue on this journey and I know it is going to take sometime but it is worth it. Just the other day I was talking to my friend when it hit me. When I am a nurse I won't be able to say you can't eat that when I am overweight. I need to be a good example. I need to show them what a healthy person can do and all the things they can achieve as well. I am excited to see where this journey is going to take me.

Please follow me on IG: lisamarieski to see more update of my transformation.
#thisismyyear #lisastransformation

So Much to Write about in One Blog

It's been forever since I wrote a blog post. As part of this years resolution I am going to try to write at least one blog post every month. (Yes, I know I am already late). So much has been happening to me lately. I just have to share. God has been ever prominent in my life. 

First off, I graduated from Respiratory Care. I passed the first part of a two part exam!

I can't believe it. I couldn't do this with out the constant support of my family and friends. Especially those friends who had to deal with my crazy test anxiety or my overwhelming emotions due to lack of sleep (Stacy can attest to all of those emotions). Lots of prayer from those around me have helped me so much.

Second, I have talked to the Ferris State nursing program, and I will finally get accepted into the clinical portion of the program in the fall!!!! Woooo!! This has been quite the process for a long time now. I have had several people tell me, "You'll be a great respiratory therapist. Why go for nursing too?" Well, nursing has always been my passion. Ever since I was a young girl, I wanted to be a nurse. I have several people tell me that I would make a great nurse, and I have to agree. Respiratory is a great field and a good starting place but I still love nursing. Nursing has been my dream ever since I can remember, and I know I would kick myself everyday I didn't go to nursing school. 

(This lady looks so happy but I would have to think she must not have endured nursing/respiratory school)

A few days after graduation were a couple christmas parties and a road trip to see my BFF in Traverse City!

For Christmas my parents and brother travelled to Florida. I was not able to go with them because I had to work Christmas Day. But as a early Christmas present and birthday present they helped me fly down to see them once I was done with my shift. If you don't follow me on snapchat you won't know that my experience getting to Florida was quite a difficult one. 

Here's the story in brief. I was supposed to leave Grand Rapids airport at 4:20 PM on December 26. We got on the plane and the pilot try to start the engine and the check engine light came on. The mechanics came and tried to fix it. They fixed the first problem. They started the plane and another check engine light came on. So, they had to fix that problem. I ended up missing my connecting flight to Orlando by three hours and I had to stay the night in Minneapolis right across from the Mall of America. I packed up my stuff and sent it with my parents so I wouldn't have to bring any luggage with me on the plane. In my suitcase that was at my parents was contact solution. I'm very particular about my contacts have to take them out every night before I go to bed. I ventured out to the Mall of America alone. Along the way I found free contact solution and I bought a pair of boots. (I walked fast through that mall and I really want to go back now). A quick trip back to the hotel and a bite to eat would conclude this awful night. The next morning I was up at 3:20am, went down to catch the shuttle to the airport. Upon arrival at the airport I was able to find my terminal and get on a brand-new plane. Needless to say they were no check engine lights that were appearing. I still think Delta owes me one more day in the Florida sun.

I was surprised for the next day, my brother and parents bought me a birthday cake! It was so much fun to celebrate with my "extended family." I was able to swim in the ocean. Which this is first time I ever done that on my birthday. There is a first time for everything.

I hope to stay on top of the blog this month. It will be about fitness. Please comment with things I should write about.

I just want to thank you guys for the continuing thoughts and prayers. I love you guys, and I couldn't ask for better people in my life. There are couple things I need prayer for though. 

1. Respiratory Therapy Board Exam (Clinical Simulation Exam)

2. Upcoming decisions of employment

3. Starting Nursing School in the fall.

2 Weeks of Summer!

This summer I am lucky enough to go to summer school. (Sense the sarcasm?) So much has happened in two weeks I just had to write about it. I'm just going to highlight the adventures that have occurred. 

1. I started running. Honestly, I've never wanted to run, but it is quite relaxing, and I feel good afterwards and that's what counts right? Here are just a couple pictures of where I run and who I run with sometimes.

                                          

                                             

My goal is to run a 5k in November. I think I'll be able to do it! I am excited about running and getting fit. As most of you know it's something I have always struggled with but NOT anymore! 

2. I did the cold water challenge. I was challenged to run and go completely underwater or I was supposed to pay $100 to my favorite charity. I decided to take the plunge into the waters of Cranberry Lake, while Stacy filmed me. It was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. You can check out the video here. Here is an after photo.

3. Spending time with friends. As ya'll know, I am a social butterfly. I love being with people and sharing random experiences with friends, it's what I live for. I had the opportunity to spend time with my "adopted" sister, and watch a friend run a 5k. 

                                             

                                              

There were obstacles in the run and this one looked fun!

                                                

Look at that determination! Go Paula!

                                                

4. I hit my two year anniversary at work! 

                                               

5. Last thing, I have the need to tell all of you something. I didn't make it in the nursing program at Ferris for this coming year. My grades are high enough, there are just not enough seats for everyone. My heart was broken, but I believe God has a reason for it. I've come to terms with it and the next step is to finish respiratory strong, take my boards, then reapply for the nursing program for Fall 2015. Not what I wanted, but I'm not giving up on my dreams!

New Year's Resolution Update

It has been way too long since I wrote on of these. I have been busy with school, clinicals and life, but I finished my semester on Monday! I am done for two weeks, then back for summer school. 

Remember my resolutions? If you don't, you can read about them here. Here is just a little update on how I am doing.

1. Baking one thing for 52 weeks. - I am not going to lie, this is a little harder than I first thought it was going to be. I am about two weeks behind, but hopefully I will make it up during my break. Here are just some of the things I've made

2. Learn how to carry on a conversation - I still need a little work on this one, but it is getting better. I've found if you just ramble on about random things time goes a little faster. 

3. Graduate - Since it is not December yet I haven't graduated, but I am done with my second semester of Respiratory! Two more to go! Then on to nursing school.

4. Meeting new people - I have actually accomplished this one! I have met a whole bunch of new people lately. Mostly because in clinicals you meet new people everyday. 

5. Stop Judging - I think I have starting to come a long way on this one. I have become to realize, it is not my place to judge people. I am sure that I have commitment just as many wrongs as they have. I will always have to keep myself in check, to ensure I don't judge. This problem will probably not go away. 

6. Devotions - This one is hard to admit, I did really good until March, then something happened where I just stopped. Today, I will pick it back up! God is way to important to forget about.

Lessons from work: Listening

As I go through a day at work, I find myself listening... a lot! I listen to the sound of clinking plates, the doors shutting, the furnace running, the nurses, the people walking and the buzzer buzzing. As you have read from previous posts, I work with elderly people. 

Normally, I am as kind as possible while running around doing chores in a timely matter. But what would happen if we could sit down and listen to these people who have so much wisdom, and so much more experience than my generation combined! What if our generation didn't always voice their opinion, instead we listened and then asked questions? Wouldn't we be smarter, wiser, and maybe more conscious of what we are saying?

Why is it so hard to listen to our elders? Our elders want to fill us with their knowledge so we don't make the the same mistakes as they did. When I get a chance, I try to go into a room and listen to a resident talk about what they did when they were my age. I have heard lots of stories of greatness and heard lots of heartache. Unfortunately, one day these people are no longer going to be with us and we are going to miss them. So even though you have heard the stories of your grandparents and parents a million times, listen again and maybe you'll hear something different. 

Valentine's Day aka Singles Awareness Day

Happy Valentine's Day

Love is in the air.

Most men and women, in love are excited for this Hallmark holiday. To others like me, those single people in the world, this day is not so exciting. We could treat it like any other day, but we don't. We see the price for roses go up, chocolate comes flowing out stores and all the restaurants are packed with lovers of every shape and size.

(google)

You probably think I hate Valentine's day, to be honest, I like Valentine's day. Men go out of their ways to make women feel special. I especially love those cheesy valentines you get from friends or significant others that say, "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together." or "You're like a dictionary you added meaning to my life!" Also, I could never hate this day because my parents got married on this day 28 years ago. Without them I wouldn't be here, and that would be sad. 

I have been thinking to myself lately, there must be a purpose or a reason I haven't met "the one." For a long time I thought I wasn't good enough until I was looking at Pinterest one day and came across this quote.

(pinterest)

 I believe this. I am not going to change who I am to find "the one." No one should change themselves to be with another person. Either you like a person for who they are or you don't like them. I will find my handsome prince someday but for now I will remain single, and that is okay. (Click the link to see my thoughts on being single). Someday I will find my Prince Charming, and we will spend every Valentine's day together. For now, I guess I will indulge in big amounts of chocolate, self bought flowers and cuddling with my dogs.

(My cuddle buddy, Ice)